How to Work With Difficult People: Dealing With Coworkers
Studying how to work with difficult people has always fascinated me. Especially when it comes to how they respond to a difficult situation. For example, have you ever been to a restaurant and heard someone at a table cause a scene over a minor detail like them forgetting to bring out the salad dressing? Or at the store when a customer tries to get into an argument with the cashier over a coupon that expired months ago?
As an outsider to the situation, we would consider these the behavior of difficult people. You will come into contact with difficult coworkers, difficult colleagues, or even a difficult family member everywhere you go. It does not matter where you live, shop, dine at or, worst of them all, work. There will be difficult people there. I have always struggled with dealing with difficult individuals because of my temperament. I do not like conflict so I end up avoiding it like the plague. Over the past few months though I have been trying to grow in this area and I have found a few simple ways to deal with a difficult coworker, manage personality clashes, and build better understanding with team members in my work environment.
5 Best Ways to Work With Difficult People in the Workplace
1) Deep Breath and Smile
Have you ever seen the movie Madagascar? There is a scene where the penguins are saying “Smile and wave boys! Smile and wave!” They did this so that no one would know or suspect what they were really up to. When you have someone that is being difficult or confrontational, one of the best ways to deescalate a difficult conversation is to just smile. Keeping a friendly posture and attitude (EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO) will help your thoughts and emotional responses come across clearly and calmly.
Before I worked at TLI I worked as a leasing agent. When you are working with the general public like that you are going to come across difficult personalities. While I was in training they told me to remain calm to help calm frustrated residents.
I remember doing a walk through with a resident who was moving out and the apartment was a complete disaster. As I started noting the damage, I suggested he move things out and clean up so it wouldn’t count against him. He became very upset, cursed me out, and even tried to corner me in the kitchen.
I breathed in, smiled, and said “I understand you are frustrated.” You have two options. You can let me finish and take the hit for cleaning and damages, or we can reschedule when you have moved the rest of your stuff out and cleaned.” He took a step back and then agreed to reschedule and even apologized. This brings me to my next point.
2) Keep Tact and Lose the Temper
You catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar. You can be firm about your position and soft on the person. This is one of the most important things to practice with a challenging person. It is really easy to tear someone down and to get an attitude when you are upset with them. It takes hard work to keep your cool, to remain firm on an issue, and to not yell even when your blood is boiling.
This past weekend I went shopping for a carpet cleaner. I walked into the store on a mission and ready to purchase the one I saw online. I get to the carpet cleaners and the boxes are not under the correct display. They were wrong. I spent a lot of time looking for this specific one and could not find it. I ended up asking a total of 3 fellow coworkers to help me and waited over an hour for no one to show up. My blood was boiling and as I was walking out I saw a gentleman that looked like a manager.
I told him what happened, and that I was frustrated because I had been there for an hour and still did not have what I needed. I could have easily lost my temper on him and I had every right to be upset, but I knew me getting that upset would not help the situation. In the end, he gave me a discount on one of the nicer ones and told me he would talk with his team members about their poor communication skills. That showed me the best course of action is often calm, open communication rather than a defensive response.
3) Don’t Take It Personally
Hurt people hurt people. When we are stressed we tend to project that frustration on to others. It is easy to take things personally when someone you usually get along with, or even a total stranger, lashes out at you. You just need to remember that they could be having a rough day and inadvertently taking it out on you.
The week I got married my phone company had a bug in their app and somehow my payment went to June instead of May, and they were cutting off my phone because they did not have May’s payment. I was under so much stress with my wedding that when I called their customer service I ended up losing it on this poor woman.
There I was, yelling and continuously saying how I wanted to speak to another person. I started getting heated, so she got heated too. Eventually, she transferred me to a calm gentleman. The moment I mentioned I was getting married that weekend, he understood the source of my frustration and stress. He stayed calm, showed emotional intelligence, and assured me that he had fixed everything and that my phone would be working within the hour.
I thanked him and then apologized for yelling because I knew the stress I was experiencing had caused me to lash out. Had he taken my frustration personally, there’s a chance that they could have not helped me just because I was not being friendly. That interaction gave me a fresh perspective: sometimes the person’s behavior is less about you and more about the root of their problems.
4) Rise Above It and Let It Go
When I was in college I was a member of a leadership society, and we had a public speaker tell us that we could either be chickens or eagles. The gist of the analogy was chickens stay where they are and peck the ground and are easy targets for predators. Eagles can fly high and even if another predator comes after them, they can soar higher than any other flying creature.
We can choose to continue to peck at the ground, falling victim to personality clashes, covert tactics, or poor communication, and remaining stagnant in growth. Or we can choose to be an eagle. We can choose to rise above, to go higher and farther, to not let negative people bring us down, and we can be an example of excellence to those around us.
I understand that coworkers, family members, and strangers can be irritating. Let me encourage you to rise above. To take a deep breath and let it go, because being negative back is not going to improve the situation. Your time, energy, and mental health are worth more than getting the final word in. Choosing inner peace instead of a reactive response is one of the best strategies you can develop for your work life and beyond.
5) Good Faith Saves Headaches
A couple months ago I was in the Miami airport, standing with my family in the middle of a long security line. We’d been standing in that queue for about 30 minutes when all of a sudden, we started hearing a huge commotion right behind us. I turned around to see a mom, dad, maybe 10-year-old son, and a baby in a stroller weaving through the line of people. Eventually they made it up to us, pushing past everyone frantically, with the mother repeating sorry to every person with tears in her eyes.
As they passed me, I turned back around to the people they already pushed by and everyone was visibly furious.
Eventually we made it to TSA, went through the check, and got to the other side, and right as we started walking to our gate, I saw the same family begging to get on their plane, crying more than before. That family wasn’t being rude or malicious, maybe a little irresponsible, but their situation is one that most people can empathize with.
Those people behind us in line were assuming they were cutting to be selfish, cutting because they thought their time was more valuable than others. If everyone had assumed the best in the family, the situation wouldn’t have annoyed or angered anyone.
This goes the same for team members in your work environment. Most of the time, fellow coworkers are just doing their job. If what they say or do to you feels like they are acting out, they probably don’t mean it that way. So just wait a bit, think about the situation, and think about the most likely reason they acted the way they did. Taking a step back and assuming good faith will likely lead to way more positive outcomes.
It’s Not Easy, But It’s Worth It
I am not saying that doing this is easy. I am saying doing these steps will help you grow as a leader and have a positive change in your workplace culture. If you do not like the atmosphere, be the change you want to see. Lead your team members by example and I promise you will look back and see a difference in your family, office, and community.
For more leadership tips, subscribe to our podcast High Impact Leaders.
Are you interested in improving your team culture? Read more about how to do this by following this link!